Fage 29
GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
September, 1991
Gay Steppers
by Mark Chadbourne
Okay, I've has a lot of response to July's "Back Walking Away" column. Things Hike "It sounds like you interviewed my past partners," and "Are you still following me around?" So we know we have a few problems in the intimacy department. What
we do about it? Relive or recover in reality, those are our only options.
Recovery is about increasing our awareness and learning new life skills. If one of the symptoms of our codependence is to be involved in toxic relationships, we need to detoxify and arrest our disease. Power and control are the key issues we are dealing with here, just as they were with Mommy and Daddy who modelled this type of relating for us.
The wisdom of our slogans tells us "First things first," and "If you do what did, you'll get what you got." If nothing changes, nothing changes. If we seek out relationships and we end up with positive/negative intensity, the first thing we need to do is recognizes neither person in our relationship is mature enough to be in a healthy relationship in the first place, because of our untreated codependence. We cannot cope with doing insight work and intimacy with another human being. We feel too exposed, untrusting and overwhelmed. And that's because we lack the sense of self and the boundaries to do this. We don't relate in our relationships-we mesh and compete for control. Then we call it "devotion."
Dear
Sweetcakes:
In order to detoxify from our patten, we need to opt our of the positive/negative intensity cycle we create. Disengage the relationship. Leave it alone. Put is to bed, turn out the lights and let it be. Just like arresting chemical addiction, we need to quit using the intensity of sex and love addiction as our drug of choice. This will throw us into withdrawal. The intensity gives us plenty to focus on so we don't have to focus on our real issues-abandonment, self disgust, deprivation, shame and the inability to esteem ourselves. Whether we are talking about relation to our partners, our parents, our children, or our coworkers and friends, we will do it with all if we're doing it with one.
How do we get though the "D.T.s” of withdrawal when our untreated or relapsing codependent significant other stays or starts in his or her pattern?
1. Close your mouth and breathe. 2. Sit on your hands and don't do anything about anything and 3. don't discuss anything that can be irritating to you or your significant other. When we do this, we will arrest the tendency to relate through positive/negative intensity. We want to have enough connection to maintain our relationships, so we need to develop a boundary of self restraint, courtesy and pleasantness.
In the meantime, we put the focus on our codependence issues. How so we do this? First, go to meetings and start the steps.
Begin keeping a journal about the affects of our disease, and get educated about what abuse is. We need to write about our won personal history of abuse. The detoxifying process happens when we break our denial and share this with another personbe it our sponsor or a therapist, a group, or a combination. We need to acknowledge and have our feelings about or abuse in a safe, affirming place with safe, affirming people. "When I was a child, this is what happened to me and this is how I felt. Today as and adult I have these feelings about it."
It's in these kinds of transactions that our healing happens. Not in bars with our friends, not in bed with someone we barely know, and not at work with a hundred and one things to do all at once. This is how it's done. We begin to deal with issues of injustice to us without using resentment, running away or stuffing. We begin to develop trust with people who have had similar experiences and who are willing to share with us their history and what they are doing today to let that old stuff go. We educate ourselves about the "how to" part of recovery. We find ourselves with people who share what has worked for them and we begin to practice our new skills-how to esteem ourselves, develop and maintain physical, sexual, emotional and intellectual boundaries, hold ourselves accountable, own who we are and share that in a political manner, how to take care of our issues and getting our needs and want met interdependently in a straight forward manner and learn how to become centered and moderate. That's codependence recovery.
Scene of the Crime!
As if we don't get ripped off enuf!
Got a call Monday morning investigation needed on major west side robbery. No big deal I thought. Another hold up at the Big Egg or similar small fry was my guess.
Picture my shock when I reach the address: GPC! Yeah, you got it: The Chronicle, our very own bloid!
It felt like my very own granny was ripped off. I told 'em, we both read the paper religious: articles, features-even the funky stuff. It's one of the last hometown papers that still's got some integrityand their queer cartoons give me chuckles in places the PD funnies never reach.
Anyway, the bad news is they was hit big. Equipment, supplies, all their computorseven the change in the Honor Snack Box. Some cheap, desperate crooks, believe me. We're talking seven/eight grand.
But what I need from you Tweaks, and I need it swift is three things:
1)Peel them a Few Choice Bills Sure, they're insured. But it's a raw deal with depreciation and all the donated stuff stolen plus they gotta upgrade the security with a new alarm system. They even stole
their irreplaceable, cheesy office clock the bums) About $3,000. should help 'em get back up on their
feet
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and I know you got enough socked away that a few small bills would'nt break ya. Whatever you could toss their way would give ya a star in my book and you're parole officer's.
2) Book some Time with 'Em The outfit is mainly a volunteer biz Ygot skills all over the place, why not lend them a few hours. Ycan write, lick stamps, type, lick envelopes, collate, lick-. Well, there's a lotta opportunities.
3) Subscriptions Their mailing list is a little screwed up now, so if you don't get your September issuelet them know! If you know it's time for your renewal, do it. Don't wait for letters, who knows how long it will take to “straighten” out (So to speak).
Gotta get to work (which I'm doin' pro bono French for "no charge"). Now stop moving your lips 'cause there's no more to read and gimme a hand with this case.
Lavendar Magnum, P.I.
We Wuz Robbed!
I can't miss a month. Here's my gift to get you back on your publishing feet A.S.A.P.!
$10.
☐ I would also like a subscription.
$25. □ $50. S
Contact me about Chronicle Volunteering:
It's at this point as we do this that we may start to experience the effects of not having all the intensity. And it's right about now that "bombing" begins.
"Bombing" is when either partner wants to get back in there, push buttons and create intensity. If we have managed to remain in an adult ego state, that little wounded child, inside going to start kicking. If we've managed to leave our partners alone, their abandonment and deprivation shrug will kick in and the bombing starts. What can we expect from a non-recovering, untreated or relapsing codependent? Anger, fear, running away and seduction. We have to write about how we bomb them and how they bomb us. Without the intensity, things get very, very quiet. And that's what the relationship is really all about. It wasn't about mutual respect, support and interdependent murturing. It was about intensity.
It's here that if we aren't in recovery that we most likely recycle by connecting with another person. Whether it takes a month, a few weeks, or a year, we will get into it again. That's because this disease shows, up must in relating and when we are by ourselves, we do fine-its when we relate to another human being that we see the symptoms, and its painful consequences.
At this point, we can re-enter the relationship, notice what's happening to partners-see who he or she really is, notice what's going on with us and do not respond to the bombing and seduction. Take out our affirmations when we feel the stress of wanting that intensity. Affirmations are those witty little positive statements of truth that makes us sweat when we first use them but bring relief as we begin to incorporate into our self-esteem. "Who he or she is, is none of my business. He or she has the right to be in this world the way they are. My job in recovery is to be an observer of my partner and what's going on right now so I can truly see who my partner is and to respond in a mature way. My job is to take care of myself so I can be safe and available to my partner emotionally and authentically. My job is not to punish, get even or be dishonest. I have warm personal regards for my partner at all times. Yet, I have the right not to appreciate my partners behaviors or the problems caused by his or her behavior. I choose to remain centered and in an adult ego state, preferring intense peace of mind to intense relating with my partner. I owe it to myself and deserve to treat myself in gentle, loving ways. I realize I am powerless over others, and that they too are powerless over me." And that is how we do it, if we want to. When the pain of our loneliness gets great enough, that's when we'll be willing. And thankfully, we don't have to do it alone! Our relationships can only be as healthy as the sickest person in it. And it's up to each of us to be taking care of our part in our relational skills. Steps one through 12 tell us how.▼
Committment Vows
I perform ceremonies outside the traditional fold: with sincere respect for each couple who love, honor & cherish each other. Please call Rev. Renee Goodman 216/247-2772
AIDS Counseling Education Testing Site
Cleveland: 946-2829
Call: 354-AIDS
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Chinks Sie
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